How to Survive
by natcatXjac
Summary: DOUBLE SONG-FIC/ONE SHOT/CHARACTER DEATH Summary inside. Please read and review.


**A/N: hello there! another one shot from me with TWO songs! i just blew your mind, right? just kidding anyway...songs are What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts and Tattoos on this Town by Jason Aldean :) enjoy and please R&R**

**Summary: AU Mac and Jo grew up together...to a point. What do you do when you lose a loved one? And what do you do when you have to return to the place it all started? You survive.**

"Ma'am, I regret to inform you…"

Her lungs stopped breathing. Her heart stopped beating. Her brain stopped thinking. Her whole body collapsed into itself. When she was told the love of her life no longer had a life she lost all reason to live. How could she go on with her life without him? How could she survive without seeing him? Without being able to feel his warm caressing touch, gaze into his chocolate eyes, hear his velvet voice? How could she wake up the next morning and not feel his arms around her?

The walls closed in and the darkness loomed closer. There was no reason to go on. There was no reason to want to continue. She could feel the pain about to stab her in the heart. She could feel the river of tears rushing to her eyes. She could feel the grief about to consume her. It's a useless emotion. She couldn't let it take control. That would be giving up. That would be accepting that he was never coming back.

But he's not. He died on the battlefield. And along with him died his love for her.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_

_That don't bother me_

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

_Even though going on with you gone still upsets me_

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay_

_But that's not what gets me_

"Jo, honey? You have to get up. You've been in bed all day." Lindsay said softly as she leaned over the bed. The lights were out and the shades were drawn. The darkness gave the feeling she were in a grave.

Jo wiped her eyes again but the tears quickly filled the space. They were an endless river. "No…" Her muffled voice said. It was barely coherent from the sobs escaping her throat.

"Jo…please…we're all worried about you. I know it's hard-"

"You don't know Lindsay!" Her voice was high and hitched as she shot up from beneath the covers. "You don't know what it's like to lose someone you love! You don't what it's like to wake up every morning and wish he were here! Mac is dead, Lindsay! He's dead and he's never coming back!" She stopped when what little breath she had faded.

Lindsay took her hand unsure of how to comfort her. She was right; Lindsay had no way of knowing what Jo was feeling. She couldn't imagine the pain she was in. "Jo, I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize." Jo wiped at her face again and took a shaky breath. "Apologizing won't bring him back. Me sitting here wallowing in my tears won't bring him back. This is all my fault. I should have told him. I never told him."

"Never told him what?"

"That I loved him! I love him! The entire time we were together I never told him…I never said I love you. Why didn't I? I could have saved him! I…I should have told him…" Another bout of tears gushed out and Jo buried her head in Lindsay's shoulder.

"He knew you loved him, Jo. I'm sure he did."

"No…he didn't…he didn't know anything! He didn't know I loved him. He didn't know I missed him or that I wanted to marry him and that…I'm pregnant."

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go_

_But I'm doing it_

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

_Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret_

_But I know if I could do it over_

_I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart_

_That I left unspoken_

"I love you."

"I love you more."

Lindsay and Danny kissed as their noses touched. They were standing in the living room of Jo's house when she finally walked out of her room. She'd been cooped up inside for two weeks. Never once did she leave or ask for anyone's company. As far as her friends and family knew she wasn't even eating.

"Oh, Jo, hi…" Lindsay said. She quickly broke out of Danny's arms and went to Jo.

Jo shifted on her feet and moved away from her comforting arms. She took one look at Danny and Lindsay and ran back into her room. She collapsed on the bed. No tears were shed; no harsh words; no fits of anger. She simply laid there entangled in sheets.

Why couldn't those sheets magically change into Mac? Why couldn't he just appear and wrap his long arms around her? Why couldn't he be there to kiss and hug her and make all the pain go away? Why did she have to feel this way? She couldn't even stand to see her own friends be with one another without thinking about him.

Everything reminded her of him. Jo couldn't take two steps in her own house without wanting to just fall on the floor in a heap of tears. Unfortunately she'd cried out every drop of moisture in her body. Now she was empty; void of any and all emotion.

Except for the movement in her stomach. It was the only thing she felt; the only thing she wanted to feel. The little being in her was the only thing keeping her connected to the real world. Without it Jo would have surely lost her mind and joined Mac in the clouds. If she wasn't going to live for herself she could at least live for what Mac left behind.

_What hurts the most_

_Wass being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

_And never knowing_

_What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was trying to do_

"Push!" The doctor shouted for about the hundredth time.

"You can do this Jo." Lindsay said as she brushed the hair out of Jo's face.

Her face was blotched with tears and sweat and she was on the verge of giving up. "I can't do this!" She cried. "I can't…not without him!" Another bout of pain and she cried harder wishing for it all to end already.

"Jo, listen to me. You can do this. You have to… for Mac and for this baby."

'I can't do this…' Jo repeated to herself. She shook her head and squeezed Lindsay's hand as she shut her eyes tight. Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't it have been someone else's boyfriend or husband? Why did she of all people have to be the one in this situation?

"Jo…" The darkness behind Jo's eyes lightened as a figure appeared before her.

"Mac?" He stepped closer as if from a cloud and smiled down at her. "Oh, Mac…I've missed you so much. I need you. Please come back."

"I can't do that, Jo and we both know it."

"But…I need you…I can't do this without you."

"I'm right here. I never left you. You can do this. You have to do this for me and for him."

"But…"

"Everything will be okay…I promise…" He reached his hand out to her as he began slipping away.

Jo opened her eyes just in time to see him fade away and a small, pale figure appear before her.

_What hurts the most _

_Was being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

_And never knowing_

_What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was trying to do_

_Not seeing that loving you_

_That's what I was trying to do_

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby…"

"Can we go see daddy?"

.

.

.

"Mommy, look!" The boy shouted as he sat up in his seat to look out the window. "There's black lines on the road. Where did those come from?"

Jo smiled as the memory immediately came into mind. "Drag racing…"

The boy smiled and sat back in his seat. He stared out the window as trees and wide open fields flew by. They came upon a bridge and the boy narrowed his eyes as he read the white paint written across it. "Jo…will…you…marry…me? Mommy, that's your name!"

"Yeah…" Before she would have frowned but as Jo watched the bridge fly over their heads she smiled wider and her heart fluttered.

_There's still black marks on that county road_

_Where we drag raced our pick-ups and mustangs_

_And weathered all the sun and rain_

_And to this day up on that overpass_

_Even underneath the new paint, you can still see_

"_Allie, will you marry me?"_

_Take a ride, look around_

_There ain't no doubt_

"McKenna Taylor! What the hell is this?" Jo hollered from the side of the bridge. Lindsay and a few of their friends crowded around her as they stared up at the bridge. "Get your ass down here!"

Mac ran to the edge of the bridge and jumped down, sliding down the grassy hill beside it. "Well, what's your answer?" He grabbed Jo by the waist and kissed her hard, hoping that would change what he knew she was about to say.

Jo took a second to get her footing back as her knees wobbled. "No…how many times do I have to tell you before you get it through your thick head? We're seventeen; we're too young to be getting married."

He continued to smile down at her. "So that's a maybe?"

The girls around Jo giggled and awed. Jo rolled her eyes and clung to him. "Maybe…"

_It sure left its mark on us_

_We sure left our mark on it_

_We let the world know we were here with everything we did_

_We laid a lot of memories down, like tattoos on this town_

"Be careful, honey!" Jo called when her son went sprinting off into the park. He ran down to the edge of the pond and stopped to run his fingers through the water. Jo watched him for a second then walked to the end of the pond where a lone tree stood.

Even eight years later it was still there. She ran her fingers over the words carved into a heart; Jo I love you Mac. Her heart skipped again. This was why she came back; for the memories, good and bad.

"Mommy!" The boy called again. He was pointing at a barn in the distance. "It's a barn! Cool!"

Now there was a very good memory.

_There's still a rope burn on the old branch_

_That hangs over the river_

_I still got the scar _

_From swinging out a little too far_

_There ain't a corner of this hallow ground_

_That we ain't laughed or cried on_

_It's where we loved, lived and learned real life stuff_

_It's everything we're made of_

"Jo, wait! Come back!" Mac turned to see the guys shaking their heads at him. They nodded their heads at the barn and Mac went sprinting down the field after her.

He quickly found her hunched over a barrel of hay. Her face was shielded and she muffled her sobs with her hands.

"Jo…"

"Go away! I hate you!" She managed through a throaty voice. "How could you, Mac?"

"Jo, I'm sorry…" He came up behind her and she turned into him.

"Mac…what if you don't come back? What am I going to do without you?"

Mac brushed back her hair and wiped a tear from her eye. "Don't even think about that. I'm coming back. I'll always come back for you." He tilted her chin up as their lips fit into another.

"But…" Jo mumbled.

"Shhhhh…" Mac gently rubbed her cheek and brought her lips back to his. "I'll always come back for you."

_It sure left its mark on us_

_We sure left our mark on it_

_We let the world know we were here with everything we did_

_We laid a lot of memories down, like tattoos on this town_

"Josephine!"

"Jo!"

"You're back!"

As Jo and her son entered her old home a crowd of old friends and neighbors greeted her with hugs and kisses. She was relieved to be surrounded by so much love again. "Hey, everyone," The little boy tugged at her pants leg and Jo moved aside to introduce him to crowd. "This is my son…McKenna."

Mac Junior waved shyly at the people and they immediately fell to their knees awing over him. "Well, aren't you just the cutest little thing?"

Mac smiled and fell into the crowd as they all cooed and handed him little treats and complimented him on his manners. Jo watched from the side, glad to see him taking so well to the family he'd never met until then. An old friend snuck up behind her. Jo whipped around to find Lindsay. "Oh, hey!"

"Hi, stranger," They hugged. Lindsay held Jo's shoulders in her hands. "You look better than when I last saw you…eight years ago…"

"Um, yeah…" Jo blushed. "It's good to see you again."

"It's better to see you," Lindsay looked over her shoulder to see Junior playing a small game of catch with Danny. "and him. Oh, Jo, he looks just like him."

"I know…" Lindsay eyed thinking she'd burst into tears again. Instead Jo kept the same relaxed smiled she'd been wearing all day. "It's like I still have him…like he never left. I swear they are the same person."

"Like father, like son." The ladies giggled until Jo felt that tug at her leg again. They looked down and saw Mac with arms full of cookies.

"Mommy, can we go see daddy now?"

_It sure left its mark on us _

_We sure left out mark on it_

_We let the world know we were here with everything we did_

_We laid a lot of memories down_

_Like tattoos on this town_

"He's handsome for a seven year old…"

"You're just saying that because he looks like you…"

"So? He's still handsome."

"You even have the same personality…I don't know if I'm grateful for that or not."

"You love me."

"I do."

"It's a shame you didn't say that until now."

Jo turned to the wind circling next to her. Only his face was visible now. "I love you. If you were still here…I'd marry you. You'd be a wonderful father." Mac smiled and gently kissed her forehead. "Please don't leave…"

He kissed her again and the image faded away. Jo sighed and turned back to her son. He was a few feet away down the hill, sitting in front of his father's tombstone. The wind suddenly kicked up and ruffled his short brown hair.

It wrapped around Mac and seemed to whisper to him. Mac Junior smiled and looked up into the sky. "I love you, too, daddy."

**A/N: probably the most depressing thing i've ever written but i just lost my grandfather and i really needed to write this. hope you enjoyed and please R&R**


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